I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
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[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.