If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
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Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
just pretend nothing happened
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.