You Might Also Like
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship