One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
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Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?