Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
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My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Great game to play with friends