*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
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A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Life with a cat in one tweet
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.