ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
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To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!