Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
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WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
the composer
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.