Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
You Might Also Like
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
When your parents check you’re ok.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
I love it all
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”