What a chick magnet..
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“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
this is me
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”