One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
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Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
“Great, now I have to pee.”
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”