The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
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the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
This makes total sense…
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct