[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
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My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Before crowbars crows drank alone
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.