I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
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Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
I found your tweet-up…
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.