Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
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[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many