[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
You Might Also Like
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
This is I, Robot all over again
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
I love you…
…r dog.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home