Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
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… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Dear Lord..
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.