Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
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I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
The hardest thing Vision has to do
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.