TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
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If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Mhm.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*