That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
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“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
me, after any kind of buffet.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
how many bears make up a bear minimum
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football