Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
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Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak