I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
You Might Also Like
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Steam Forums
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Lmao
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff