I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
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I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture