life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
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*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Seems a bit forward
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Never let them know your next move 😂
no!! no!!!!!!
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.