I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
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Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer