Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
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[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.