Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
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Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Bless you
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.