My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
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me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
I have a black belt in leather
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”