Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
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I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
A fake ID that makes you younger
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress