Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
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Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
My dad is at it again
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
starting a garage orchestra
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence