Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
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Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Day 2 of my diet
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
so i’m at the stock market right
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.