A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
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Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
*mops up wine with cat*
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car: