[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
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Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
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.
.
.
.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.