Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
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When your parents check you’re ok.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Husband of the year 😂
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me: