Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
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NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
birds and squirrels envy us
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
What do you hear?
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.