Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
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Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
peak technology
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
eggs benadryl
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.