I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
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😅🤣😂
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Proofread twice, hang posters once
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it