“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
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colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.