my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
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If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.