the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
You Might Also Like
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤