murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
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PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
This is my favorite one of these!
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…