*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
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Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
They’re not wrong
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…