Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
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My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN