[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
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The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Finally, a door that understands me
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.