[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
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if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Kermit goes Blue.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Haha good job!!
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.