My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
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Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Milk Cube
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Bloody internet 😳
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.