I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
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Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Current mood: Potato
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?