The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
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OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
me when the borders lift
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.