Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
You Might Also Like
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Realize this:
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.