[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
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[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
can’t talk my ride’s here
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Morning.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.